finding balance...

From here  

I wrote about this not too long ago.. the need i have to slow down and enjoy the little things. the things i know that i will crave and miss and not remember when my kids are grown and gone. i don't know what it is but i struggle with this daily. i get so distracted with things and to do lists and messes that the next thing i know i am just counting the minutes until nap or bedtime. I hate that. I hate that i feel like a horrible Mommy even though i know i am not. Its just a really big battle inside of me to be present with my kids. i don't know why. i love them and all their little silly things they do and say. I wish i remembered more of them. It makes me sad each night when i know that i have wasted the day away or lost my temper way to many times, to think that we are not promised tomorrow. But i know that God knows my heart and he knows how much i struggle with this. 

a while back i started getting up before my kids in the morning to just have that quite time to clear my head. Man did that make a huge difference in the way my day went. I am not naturally a morning person but i am out of necessity for my family. Just to be still in the house and be able to just still my heart before i take on the day was HUGE!. i miss that.. but i know that this is just a season. as i sit here and hold a snugly little baby in my arms while i type. i am trying to be thankful for this time that i can just hold him while he is just so little and still. because it will not be long and i will be chasing after him just for a snuggle. even as i sit here holding him my mind is racing with the 'to-do's i have surrounding me: a dirty kitchen from serving my kids dinner, a sink full of dishes from the day, laundry needing to be folded and put away, a table to be wiped down. I hate that i cant just be okay with things like that just for a while.

but i am working on it. i am trying to limit things during my day that distract me from my family. even though its hard.  I really struggle when Aaron works his afternoon shift.. i am not a happy person when my routine is thrown off even a little bit! i have not been a happy person this week and i don't like that at all. I wish i could just go with the flow more but i am trying. trying to find a good groove for those weeks like that. Trying to find a good groove with homeschooling/baby nursing/toddler tantrums/snack time/ nap time/ me time. okay me time doesn't really happen but i will take what i can get! even if its a few minutes like this to process my feelings and to type them out. it helps!

I am struggling going into this Christmas season with all the 'to dos' i have floating in my head. i had such good intentions to get on track for December 1st and have my little countdown with daily activities with me and the kids. but you know what?? its stressful. its stressful trying to keep up with whats in my head. ( why is there so much??!!) and i know my kids wont remember most if any of the little things i do during this Christmas season this year. so I am trying to lay low and enjoy the moment.

i will still put up our Christmas countdown but it will be a few days late.. and that's okay

i will still plan little fun activities with my kids to teach them about what the true meaning is of the season.... but it wont be everyday

I will try to get on the floor and play with my kids everyday ( i am bad with this one) even if it means i miss doing a load of laundry or a load of dishes. they will get done later.

I will say yes. yes to things that i always say no to just because its messy or takes to much time or i just don't feel like it. i will try to say yes because they matter to me more than a clean floor.

I want to remember the way a little girl stops and 'feeds' her babies just like she sees mommy do so many times during the day. and she is learning how to be a mommy from watching me everyday. and that's alot of pressure!

i want to remember how a big brother takes the time to slow down and talk to his little brother like he is his best friend

and how he asks to give him Eskimo kisses before bedtime each night

I want to remember the weight of his little body as i carry him around the house. because tomorrow he will be bigger.

i want to remember the wonder in his little eyes as he soaks in this new world. his home. his family. 

i came across this post the other day. it really spoke to me in the place i was at. i am struggling with 'doing it all' and when i cant (which is everyday) i feel like i didn't do my job. or at least enough of my job. then i read this:


“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10 {ESV}

and i got it... i know that i cant do it all. i was never made to do it all. that is His job and its my job to first and foremost trust and call on him for the strength i need each day for the challenges that i will face. and after that i need to do my best to use my time wisley and be patient with my kids. because at the end of the day that is what matters. not how clean my floors are or how much laundry i have left...

okay i hope this wasnt too rambly! but it has been pressing heavy on my heart latley.